WizoVision
by MinervaEvenstar
Summary: Wizards invent their own version of the Muggle television. The concepts of the shows tend to be hilarious or appalling. Nonetheless, Albus Severus can't find anything he wants to watch.


**Summary:** Wizards invented their own version of the Muggle television. The concepts of the shows tend to be hilarious or appalling. Nonetheless, Albus Severus can't find anything he wants to watch.

 **Genres:** Comedy, Parody, Crack, Humor, Silliness, New Next Gen, Canon Compliant

 **Rating:** Teen to be safe

 **Characters:** Albus Severus Potter, Scorpius Hyperion Malfoy

 **Disclaimer:** J. K. Rowling created the characters and the Potterverse. No copyright infringement is intended; only non-profit amusement for the fans is intended!

 **Note:** QueenElspeth asked the question "If wizards had tv what programs do you think they'd watch?" that inspired me to write this. The nine shows with ' _quoted'_ titles were created by QueenElspeth, anna_lupin, pacergal84, stuart, or lanenk, who are some of my fellow splendiferous puppy shippers from BlackLupin. All the rest of the shows are mine and normally a parody of the title of an actual Muggle television program. Enjoy the silliness!

WizoVision

By MinervaEvenstar

The WizoVision didn't display its picture on a screen inside of a box, like the Muggle television. It looked like the people and their environments were there in the room with you…if they'd all been subjected to a powerful Shrinking Charm and were confined to a solitary tabletop in the household, that is.

The Potters had owned both a magical Wiz and a Muggle telly, ergo Al had learned from an early age how to cast an activating spell and how to hit the 'on' button on a remote control. During his childhood, he'd enjoyed curling up with his parents, big brother, and little sister to laugh at the programs both devices played. However, he wasn't fond of the distasteful shows played nowadays, and upon graduating Hogwarts had almost decided it would be better to not purchase a Wiz or telly at all. Two things changed his mind.

The first was he knew if he wished to have a source relaying the occurrences of the Wizarding World other than the Wizarding Wireless and unreliable Daily Prophet, he needed to own one.

The second – and ultimately more important - reason was Scorpius had wanted to get a WizoVision for the flat the two of them were renting together, and Al rarely denied him anything.

It was a quarter past five o'clock in the evening. Al was hungry since he'd skipped lunch and teatime in favor of doing potions experiments all day. He knew Scorpius would be home from work soon, though, and didn't want to start supper without him. Al waved his wand to activate the Wiz because he had nothing better to occupy his time.

Scorpius had watched the Wiz last, so naturally it was tuned to a soap opera station. _Forbidden_ was on, which made the potion maker grin since it pertained to a Gryffindor/Slytherin love affair Al imagined Snape would have liked. He was glad _Housewives' Desperation_ wasn't playing because it eerily reminded him of his and Scorpius' grandmothers. However, Al had no interest in watching _Forbidden_ , or any other soap, such as _Black's Anatomy_ , hence he flicked his wand to change the channel to search for various news shows. That was one reason why he'd bought it, after all, was to watch news.

 _True Stories_ hosted by Rita Skeeter was on, and Al snorted derisively before hastily tuning to a different station. ' _Britain's Most Haunted'_ was airing as well, but that only reported about ghosts, ergo Al continued to seek a program and discovered _Owl's-Eye View_ was giving reports he'd heard before. He sighed disappointedly, for _The Witching Hour_ , his favorite news show, was not on at the moment.

Given the current time, Al was aware the debating program that Scorpius liked would be on shortly. It was called _Politicians and Pygmy Puffs_ , and basically pertained to wealthy wizards complaining about the Ministry. Al had no great love for the Ministry, but found the discussions on _Politicians and Pygmy Puffs_ incredibly torpid.

The talk show _The Quibbler_ aired at the same time as the argumentative one. Obviously, it was based on the Lovegoods' magazine. Normally, Luna handled the written work and Rolf, Luna's husband, interviewed people on the WizoVision. Luna tended to send an owl to whichever Potter or Weasley she presumed would be intrigued by an upcoming episode. Since Al hadn't gotten any post from Aunt Luna lately, he knew whatever was on today wasn't likely to interest him.

With another sigh, he tried a random station and immediately wished he hadn't. A reality show was on. It was ' _When Transfiguration Goes Wrong_.' Al honestly couldn't see the appeal at laughing at others' problems, but apparently most wizards could due to the evidence of programs like _Fear Factor: Face Your Boggart_ and ' _Survivor: Purebloods Try Living as Muggles'_ existing. Al could name numerous reality shows off of the top of his head he would never dream of watching. For the dateless, there was _Witches Gone Wild_ and _Britain's Most Eligible Wizards_. For people who found being yelled at by idiots beneficial, there was ' _Healer Phil'_ and _Hellish Kitchen_. Al privately thought Molly Weasley would be a better angry host for the cooking show than the one the producers presently had.

Reluctantly, Al admitted to himself that a few shows relating to real-life had the decency to help people as it mocked them. Nonetheless, he still refused to waste time viewing them. _Extremely Enchanting Makeover_ , which promised to make someone "from ugly-as-a-troll to pretty-as-a-veela," was one Al's superficial cousin, Dominique, had wanted to go on when she was younger. Thank Merlin her parents hadn't allowed it given the fact that she already _WAS_ part-veela. If he recalled correctly, and he typically did, she'd also wanted to be a contestant on _Hogsmeade's Got Talent!_ Al could hardly fault Dom for this, though, considering Cousin Fred wished to be nominated for _Extremely Enchanting Makeover Broom Edition_ and Cousin Roxy wanted the ' _Interior Design: Let's See What We Can Fit'_ remodeling crew to work on her bedroom.

Crime-based reality programs were the worst in Al's opinion. People shouldn't be given fifteen minutes of fame for something they did wrong. Al wasn't certain why people wanted to be famous anyway. Passerby knew who he was everywhere he went, and he was more disconcerted than satisfied by the experiences. Maybe it gave more satisfaction to prisoners since they, and the dementors guarding them, willing gave interviews on _When Good Wizards Go Bad_ and _Sinister Sorcerers_. The dementors needed a translator, and Al doubted the man actually understood what the creatures were saying. _Aurors_ showed live footage of Dark Wizards being arrested. It wasn't nearly as interesting as it sounded, and had an extremely annoying theme song of "Bad mages, bad mages, watcha gonna do when they come for you?" If Al was asked to select a favorite criminal-style program, then it would be _The Great Escape_ because it was amusing to see clueless officials STILL making absurd theories about how Sirius Black might've escaped.

Al missed the good old days when sitcoms were played more often than reality programs. _The Weasley Bunch_ and _Everybody Loves Harry_ did not given him much pleasure for obvious reasons, but _The Snape Family_ included a catchy theme songs. The lyrics were: "They're creepy and they're kooky; mysterious and spooky! Their noses shaped like hook-ies. The Snape family!" _Life with Draco_ , _Ugly Pansy_ , and ' _The Worst Muggle'_ weren't comedies Al viewed regularly, but they were good for a laugh once in a while. Even _Shrieking Shack_ , which had numerous magical friends living together, and _I've been Framed_ , which told tales of portraits, had more creative bases than most reality shows, and Al didn't liked either of those _AT ALL._ Everyone who had shows based off of them were paid royalties. Al wondered where the royalties for _The Snape Family_ went since the real Snapes had perished leaving behind no living relatives.

The children's shows which aired in his youth had been as good as the sitcoms. So good, in fact, Al had often fought with his siblings over who got to choose the program being displayed by the Wiz. Lily's preferred _The Littlest Mermaid_ and James liked _Eek, Real Monsters!_ Al tried watching James' most beloved program with him on multiple occasions, but after being scared by the episode with the kappa, Al never looked at it again. James and Lily had flat-out refused to give Al's most relished show a chance, which Al hadn't believed was fair. In the end, it wound up being their loss, for Al had learned many interesting things from Potions Pete on _Fun with Fumes_. The only program Al boycotted as a child had been _Charlie the Unicorn_ , and that was due to principles because Uncle Charlie was gay.

Those kids' shows weren't on anymore, though, so what did children watch nowadays? Al hoped it wasn't reality telly. Whatever it was, Al was sure it wasn't the _History of Magic Channel,_ which was hosted by Binns and hated by young wizards everywhere. Scorpius was probably the only wizard who tuned in to THAT snooze-fest regularly. Other networks seemed to be geared towards adults, or at least adolescents, leaving naught for the was the' _Discovery Muggle'_ station that held Granddad Weasley's attention daily and ' _WQN: World Quidditch Network'_ that captivated most of Al's relatives. Al suspected James had the largest collection of recorded programs from WQN in existence. Even though they'd never discussed it, Al also believed James hated _NGS: National Gobstones Station_ since NGS was considered dull by WQN fans the way that Muggle golf was deemed boring by football fans. Personally, Al detested sports channels, but preferred them over ' _ESP…N the Divination Network with a floo-call show_ _._ _ **'**_ Kids enjoyed make-believe, so perhaps they watched ESP...N. Whatever they viewed, if they had decent parents monitoring them, it certainly was not _Wands and Cauldrons_ the heterosexual porn channel _ **,**_ or _Bedknobs and Broomsticks_ the homosexual porn channel

After pondering it for several moments, Al determined some young witches and wizards must watch game shows. He had not ever seen a game show which interested him previously, but he had nothing else to do, so he decided to search for one now. _Are you Smarter than a Third Year?_ and _Who wants to be a Multi-Galleon-aire?_ bored him quickly since he deemed all of the questions asked by the hosts ridiculously simple. Al speculated Rose and Scorpius, who had graduated top their year, would find them easy as well. _The Moment of Truthfulness_ disgusted Al and he mused it might be un-Slytherin-ish of him to consider using Veritaserum in front of a large audience immoral. He was losing hope of ever finding entertainment when he discovered _There and Back Again_ where two opposing teams competed to see who could use a time-turner more effectively. It rewound time for only a few minutes within the confines of the studio, which was impressive magic.

Al was so fascinated by the blue team's time-travel strategy that he didn't notice Scorpius come home until the blond sat beside him on the settee. Gray eyes widened with disbelief at Al's chosen program. Scorpius made a mental note to use Parental Blocking Charms to scramble the station so Al couldn't continue watching it and get any dangerous ideas.

 **Minerva's Note:** I deliberately left it up to the readers' interpretation if Al and Scorpius live together as platonic friends or romantic lovers. If you would like more details regarding how I personally prefer to imagine their relationship, then you can ready my smutty sequel "Green and Silver Apron." If not, then thanks for taking the time to read this! Which titles for WizoVision programs did you like best?


End file.
